I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
