In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
