I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
