I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
