First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize