I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she pinky promised me she was 18
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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