they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
