Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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