She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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