Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
should my penis look like a turkey
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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