The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
