Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
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