I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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