I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize