You're so nebulous sometimes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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