he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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