dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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