I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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