My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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