this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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