I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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