just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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