Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
