Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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