He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
