I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize