I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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