please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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