Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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