He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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