I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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