I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
