I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
