Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
