You're my little dorito
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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