I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
