Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize