I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
