I CAN MOONWALK!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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