why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
