Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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