Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
