and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
