I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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