On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
