I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize