can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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