i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As shirtless as possible
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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