My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
