Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
