If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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