I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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