I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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