Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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