The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
