I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize