Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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