omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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