I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
