i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
