you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
