So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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