No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
