The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have post one night stand depression
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
