Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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