but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
