I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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