Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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