If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
