NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize